so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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