So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
