I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
