oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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