It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
