i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
