I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
