hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
