I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
