Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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