Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
well you can't waste a boner
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
