Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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