Can i not drive my cunt home
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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