Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
