I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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