The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
