Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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