whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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