you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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