Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You're like the curious george of whores
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's blow job season.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
