i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
sarcasm needs its own font
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
