don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
