yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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