My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
