Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
