I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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