I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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