Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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