My underwear smells like fireworks.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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