My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
