just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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