I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
