I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
