wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
