I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Mom said you looked used
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
