oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
