My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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