I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
