He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Never underestimate the power of titties
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
