OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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