ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
