I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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