Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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