I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
