uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
