Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
