My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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