my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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