im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
