I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
