More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
