He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
