she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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