Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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