My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
