I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
