i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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