Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
