he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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